5 YEARS!!! July 28!

Well that says it all. I’m well, I’m 5 years older, better, wiser, and because I’m 5 years sober it makes me really fucking cool! ( Oh, I still swear, just not around the little ones).

I’m having the time of my life. How bout you?

We had a blast at the beach.  This is what life is all about.  There’s no happiness in a bottle. It’s found in soft sweet cheeks, little kisses and being present in every moment. Five years ago I knew I couldn’t go on with the regrets, the hazy, sorrowful mornings, the wasted life.  Not wasted anymore.

Hallmark or whoever decides these things says a fifth anniversary present should be wood.  What the f… Hmmm, I’ve been wanting a new dining room table.

Stay in the moment my friends, stay here, as Belle says.

 

See ya around.

Sharon

Farewell My Pretties

Happy Thanksgiving to my gluttonous fellow Americans and Happy PreChristmas season to my friends abroad.  I’m having a particularly irreverent, sarcastic day so what better time to sign off. Fuck yes.

I hardly ever post anymore so it seems fitting to sail away with the end of the coming year. It’s been A good year and I’ve been blessed, however, I’m still terribly embarrassed and full of despair for my country as it slips into total disrespect and fear of those that aren’t white, male and have a warped idea of what Christianity is.   I have 5 grandchildren that I pray for everyday , what kind of world will they encounter as they grow. It’s wrong to sexually abuse or be a child molester but as long as it happened a long time ago then fuck it, I can be President or hold a senate seat.  What the hell is wrong with people? Maybe I’m just an old lady but I don’t understand why getting the votes for policies is more important than doing the right thing.  Oh man am I in a bitch mood today.  The news makes me feel like I could explode so I leave the room.

So, it’s been a year since my step-mother died on our stairs so it’s a hard time of remembrance but I’m also grateful to have had her in our lives.  She really made my dad happy and was the only grandmother my children knew so, Ruby, we love you.

Speaking of grandchildren, our baby turned 1and they’re all fabulous. 

No drinking here, have found a new punch recipe to try for the holidays. I’m looking toward my 5 year soberversery.  Has to be something outstanding and expensive, because I am so worth it.  Doesn’t occur until July so I’ve got lots of time to come up with an outstanding  gift idea.

Sorry I’m going out on such a sour, sassy note but that’s how this all started 4 1/2years ago.  Don’t drink no matter what, don’t even think about moderating it doesn’t work.  Listen and read what Belle says.  Read every sober blog that relates to you.  I still do, daily.  Never ever want another Day 1 or week 1 or Month 1 it’s too f…ing HARD!!!

To all my wonderful, amazing, sober cyber friends who have become family; I love, love, love you all.  You helped me get and remain sober and I am forever indebted to you all. I know how to get in touch with most of you but here’s my email for some I haven’t spoken with directly. I hope we can continue to talk. nomorewine4me@gmail.com.

To the two lovely women I’ve Skyped with I hope that can continue occasionally.

I’ll continue to comment on blogs but I’m not going to post again, at least until some big orange Cheeto that’s pretending to lead us resigns or is impeached.  Then I’d use this forum to shout hooray! (Tweet that you fuckwad)

Ta Ta for now my darlings, it’s been real.

 

Sharon

What’d you think, too harsh?  Too bad, I’m 66 now, I’ll say whatever I feel.  Spent most of my life behaving like a mouse. Not anymore. 💋💋💋

4 YEARS

 

 

Yep. 4 amazing, crazy, wonderful, sometimes difficult years. Sober. In those 4 years I’ve experienced incredibly happy sober times and most lately some really sad sober times. There’s no doubt about it. Life. Is. Hard. Because of being sober I’ve really “felt” those really sad times and really “enjoyed” those incredibly happy times. Life is hard but better because I’m sober. 4 years. Need to think of a special gift as I’m still the Queen of Self-Care.

1460 days, 208 weeks, 48 months. 4 years

Applause.

On to 5.

Should have had some  lipstick on in that photo!

Sharon

Hello People

Some of you guys have inquired about my whereabouts and well being. Warms my heart that some of you virtual strangers care.

Well, I’m feeling fucking great. I’m keeping really busy. I still don’t watch the news but I developed a new philosophy, why bother. Life’s too short to live it all tied up in knots and anxious, so I leave the room if Husband #1 starts with CNN. My blood pressure starts to rise just listening from afar.  So on to better things.

I have baby Eve two days a week, she’s a joy and such a good baby. My last grandchild. Well they had to stop sometime. The grandchildren are a true joy and a little pain in the ass depending on the mood we’re all in.  Wouldn’t trade it for the world. Even if I have to watch “Moana” a million times. Sober parenting and grandparenting is so much better. No wishing them away or asleep in order to give me more drinking time.

I’m at 1300 and something days. Deleted my counter and can’t remember what the app was to get it back.  Belle keeps track for me and yes I’m still a pen pal, it will be 4 years at the end of July. Best years of this third phase of my life. (Shit it’s hard to write that but true.) Mortality really hits you in the face around 55-60 and now at 65 I’m doing everything I can to stay healthy and active. 65 for fuck sake. Seems like yesterday I was part of the hippie movement in the  70’s, free love and stuff though, I never burned my bra, I still need all the padding I can get to keep me from looking like Peter Pan. TMI, tough!

Husband #1 has almost 450 days and things are great with us.  It’s so much easier now that we’re both clear headed.

Miss Olive is pure joy, she was my gift for one year sober and a constant reminder to stay that way.  Hard to walk a dog in the evening if you’re swaying down the street.  Plus, as my pilates instructor says, balance, balance, balance is the most important thing.  I remember having to pull myself up the steps some nights when I was drinking because I was swaying so much.  Bad, sad memories, but all in the past.

Going back to the beach again at the end of August. Can’t wait, love everything except that 17 hour drive with two big dogs in the backseat. Ralph will be 10 this spring and he’s still a handful, would take the mailman’s leg off if we’d let him.

So how else can I share, well, it’s still hard at times to go up and down the steps without seeing my step mother lying there, but the image is fading, like a ghost. I suppose it will all just disappear one day.  It is easier than before so time does heal, it truly does.

My days are full and now that Husband #1 has retired I spend more time out of the house. LOL, that’s not quite true, figured I throw that in, literary license. I’m still irreverent, love me the f bomb but as littles are getting bigger I have to curtail my trash talk.

Oh, and I had Villanova winning the whole tournament.  Another year of losing picks. Damn.It.

I’m here, I’m well, I’m sober. I hope you’re the same.  If you’re stuck, email me. I’ll try to help.  Life is short and hard, don’t fuck it up more than it already is by adding alcohol into the mix. It will rob you of precious time.

I’ll leave you with this, not sure when I should come clean, maybe never.  Two of my granddaughters think I was Wonder Woman when I was younger.  I told them I had to turn in my bracelets when I got too old for the job. Eventually they’ll realize I don’t have the boobs for the costume.

Hang in there.

 

Still Here, Still Crazy

Hey Gang!  Hope all is well.  I’ve had some inquiries lately about how I’m doing and where I am.  Thanks everyone for thinking of me.  Less than a week ago I would have said I’m absofuckinglutely amazing, and I am but I not.

We had a real tragedy here on Saturday.  My stepmom was up early getting ready to go to the airport to return home after a wonderful Thanksgiving week visit.  She spent lots of time with her great-grandchildren and truly enjoyed herself.  I can hold that in my heart. Saturday morning she somehow slipped, tumbled down to the landing of my stairs, hit her head and never regained consciousness.  She died Sunday morning.  So sad.  So I’m on this roller coaster of emotion right now.  Sick at heart but also joyful knowing she’s dancing to Frank Sinatra with my dad right now. Wish I could turn back time, can’t, so onward we go.

I did not drink, didn’t even think about it through all that trauma.  Couldn’t eat either but I always see lack of appetite as a perk!

I was also extremely distraught over the election and it just keeps getting more and more like a circus. But I can’t change that either, sooooo.  On to Christmas.  Determined to have a bright and cheerful one for all those littles I have running around.

Eternally grateful for all my blessings, life is short and can be gone in a wink.  Don’t cloud your head with alcohol shame and regrets.  Fill it with love and hugs, smiles and kisses.

Happy Sober Holidays to all. I’m still here and I’m still sober and still a little crazy. Tra la la la la, la la la la.

3 YEARS

Well, 3 years is a pretty f…ing  big deal. But yet it’s a normal way of life now. It’s my new normal and I like it just fine.  I’m 3 years older but better, skin looks good, I’m super healthy, no meds, I eat really well (just made this awesome hot fudge sauce, sugar’s still a problem), now that I don’t drink I can smell and taste food.  No anxiety, except about my pregnant DIL and mosquitoes and what the Olympics will bring back.  Exercise is easier or at least more enjoyable, sometimes.  Senses are definitely heightened when you stop numbing. Spiritually things are heightened also, sunrises feel more awesome, the full moon seems more brilliant than before. Life and love are more precious, some of that’s my age but not all.  Mornings filled with shame and regret are long gone. Nice.

The 3 years haven’t been all flowers and candy. It’s gotten lots easier to just say no but it was really hard in the beginning. I still remember the first week vividly, but, I don’t remember much about the next 30 or 60, just that things got better and I felt like a new person.  I am not new, I just shed the shitty skin to find the real me underneath.  I was there all along, hiding, being buried in fog and shame.  It was so good to burst free.

I’ve had some awesome treats over the 3 years, I’m the Queen of self care. Tea, cake, bubbles, candles, magazines, books, pedicures, you name it and I say yes, I’ve earned it! But when it comes to the soberversaries I’ve shared with family, a little.

Olive, my first year present is a constant joy and reminder what lots of love and a little training can do for us all. We share a special bond.  She doesn’t drink alcohol either. She behaves well in the house but really turns into a little devil when she’s unleashed.  We share that also, well, I don’t always behave well in the house.

At two years we had some extra hardwood floors added to the house and I love them too. Definitely an improvement for the house and our lives.  Kids and dogs seem to love to throw up or spill on carpet so the absence of those has made life lots easier. Just so happened we had them installed around year two. So why not think of it as my present. Beats a new teacup.

For three years we’re having the kitchen remodeled.  Timing is everything, it’s not for my soberversary but hey,  I’ll take it. Not a big remodel but cabinets and counters.  It’s really time, our cabinets have seen better days.  We actually had one fall off the wall a couple years ago (one too many cookbooks!)  That’s not just a treat for me but Husband#1 too.  He does almost all the cooking so he’ll enjoy it too.  He’s at 207+ days and still going. He got a new down pillow for a treat and sleeps like a baby. I’m very proud of him, love him even more. Things are really good with us right now. Nice.

So, at 3 years life is normal, ups and downs, laughter and tears, normal.  So much better than before, so much richer and fuller, more meaningful.  If you’re thinking about quitting, stop thinking and do it. What I’ve written above is the truth, things get better when you put down the glass. Just don’t drink today, I’m not.

You guys have been with me every step of the way and I thank you all for that.  Wouldn’t be here without you, love you all.  To my girlfriend in France, je t’aime. Onward to 4.

Sharon

My old self.

My baby

My daughter and son and the gifts they have given me.

Independence Day

I loved the first movie, heard the sequel sucks.  But I love those stupid kinds of movies, I loved the Die Hard movies and used Yippie-ki-yay, Motherfucker frequently.  Hmm, I think we should bring that back.

I live in a town where the 4th is a big deal.  Not because people are patriotic, but because it’s Ribfest, food, music and $8 cups of beer.  Any excuse to take your kids to a festival and get drunk.  What’s happening to us? I’m sure it’s just because I’m an old fart but …come on people.  Beer bottles thrown on the side of the road, along with firecrackers, trashbags full of empties tossed in the neighborhoods, 30 something moms all bleary eyed at 3 in the afternoon carrying toddlers and plastic cups of wine, bouncing to the live music. Breaks my heart. We’re not independent, we’re addicted. I fucking was, not at 30 but certainly by my 50’s. Booze makes you stupid, no doubt about it.

When I think of the holiday I think of the state of our country, my country, torn apart right now like the UK, the Leaves and the stays, the walls and the prejudice incited by “He who shall not be named”.  I don’t know who started that on cyberspace, but I love it.  Personally I think Fuckwad suits him better,but I have a potty mouth and I’m not afraid to use it.  I’m afraid for us and U.S. and all. What’s happening to us…come on people.  Hate doesn’t look good on anyone.

Enough of my pontificating, sorry, I just needed to vent. On a happier note.  Husband #1 hit 180 a couple days ago and is still going, though he hasn’t set another goal. We found out our 5th grandchild, due late October will be a girl, Eve.  That will be 5 grandbabies under the age of 6. I need new running shoes. My son is nuts, 3 little ones 3 and under,( must get his sex drive from his mother, ahem).  God bless them. God bless me cause I’ll keep the new one until she’s 6 months old and off to daycare. My poor grandson surrounded by estrogen, I’ll have to introduce him to Indiana Jones and Bruce Willlis movies at an early age. Yippee-Ki-yay, Grammy. My legacy when they’re older, I’m gone and they’re discussing Grammy. Remember her sweet hugs,love of dogs, her weird sneakers and her taste in sci fi and action flicks.

My Independence Day will be July 28, 3 years sober. Wow. It’s more like a birthday, a rebirth. I found me again 3 years ago. No looking back, life’s too full to let idiots bring me down.

We are all warriors together, the battle of the bottle and we are awesome. You know how I want to end this.  As John McClane said in Die Hard……

Sharon

 

The Ocean, Sun, Sand, Surf, Deer, Barking Foxes, and a very Weak Wolf with Orange Hair

Well, I am at the beautiful beach on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, Duck, North Carolina to be exact, named not after the bird but a guy who used to do a lot of duck hunting ( how charming, maybe, stupid, maybe.)  It’s fine if we stay in this area, but venture out to the grocery store or gas station and you see cars with pro Trump stickers and I throw up in my mouth each time. Guns, cigarettes and fuckwad Trump, what the hell has happened to America?  If any of you readers are Trump supporters stop reading my blog and go grow a brain. If I offended anyone from North Carolina, sorry, your Outer Banks are breathtaking.

Like any of you give two shits about my vacation, but I’m going to tell you anyway. We arrived June 4.  We are here for 3 weeks, Yep, three hot, sun scorched weeks at the beach. Pray that the sun block actually blocks those bad rays, I’ve already had plenty of things frozen by dermatologists off my old body, don’t want any more.

This is a pre-retirement trip. Husband #1 was planning to retire at end of year and the company has speeded up that process by 6 months so he’s in transition. It was difficult for him at first but he’s dealing with the whole “what am I going to do now” thing a little better and isn’t so stressed.  That’s due in part to the fact that he’s 162 days sober.  This is his first sober vacation, he committed to 180 and he keeps his commitments. (Whether he likes it or not, I think I told you we’re married 37 years😳)

The beast was hounding him the first night, making him cranky and nasty. He recognized what it was and overcame the urge.  We had driven 18 hours, had little sleep and junk food, the old H.A.L.T thing is a real, palpable trigger if you’re not careful.

As for me, the wolf has leaned over my shoulder a couple times trying to get me to romanticize what a cold glass of white wine would feel like. He forgets it would never be just one glass. If I follow where that one glass would lead, I would be missing out on my morning sunrises. I’ve never been especially religious, but seeing the sun rise over the ocean, watching dolphins feed almost close enough to touch and pelicans fly in formation over foaming water, well power of God, etc., etc.   No alcohol allowed.

Very early yesterday morning while I was outside with my dogs, (yes we brought those damn dogs 18 hours in a car to the beach,) I watched two deer chomp on some bushes in the front yard and slowly cross the driveway into the thicket. This morning a fox barked at me, scared the hell out of Olive, scary bark. It,too, was on the driveway.  Luckily, we have a fenced yard for the dogs. So I’m surrounded by wildlife and my little munchkins haven’t even arrived yet.

The kids and grandchildren arrive tomorrow and stay a week. Chaos, chaos and more chaos, they’ll be lots of laughter, lots of toddler tantrums and loads of hugs and kisses. I can’t wait. We’ll also need those last few days of our vacation to recover, so excellent planning on my part. There will be some beer and wine in the house for the big kids (kids..ages 37-32) my, my I’m old, mature, shit, I wish there was a better word for old, it sounds so..old.

That bastard, the wolf, who looks a lot like Donald Trump, will probably whisper occasionally in my ear, but I have the same response for him I’ve been using for 3 years come this July 28. Fuck off, moron.

Cheers from the beach.

 

Just like this.

Touch above to hear the fox, for those of you who’ve never heard a fox bark!

 

 

April 23, 2016

I wrote the following a couple days ago but now I have something else to add. On Friday I got one of the best. gifts. ever. I had a virtual  meetup with a fellow sober blogger from across the pond. ( where did that come from, it’s a fucking ocean people! ) Anyway it was wonderful to look at and talk with someone who’s been on this journey with me almost as long as I have.   It was like seeing an old friend and talking as if we did it everyday.  I admire  her writing, (she hardly ever swears), her intelligence, her compassion, her grit and determination. It made my day, week, and so on. Thank you sweet Prim, (https://takinganewpath.wordpress.com) for giving me a lovely gift. I’m toasting you with one of your nojitos and Twinings Earl Grey tea. Cheers.  She’s lovely, absolutely lovely inside and out.

 

Can you believe it? 1000 days. Amaze balls ( that’s for you Mrs. D). Freakin’ awesome. Don’t have enough adjectives to express how good it feels.  I’ll probably stop counting days now and just go to years. Woo hoo.  Who’d have thought?  1000 days ago sobriety was something I wished for, prayed for, and desperately desired.

I have never felt better. I’m eating a “fairly” healthy diet, not counting my daily mocha lattes. I’m exercising, the weather has finally turned to Spring here. I’m enjoying my husband, kids and grandchildren.  Number 5 grandchild is on the way. ( Now I have to worry for the next 6 months about those fucking mosquitoes making their way here) other than that I’m good. Really good.

Getting ready to start our veggie gardens. Keeping baby bunnies out of Olive’s way. She has an awfully strong prey instinct. She’s had two so far. Stupid. Fucking. Rabbits. (Literally)  Fenced yard and 2 Labrador retrievers and they still nest in the yard.  Death wish. Walked in the St. Patrick’s Day 5K, had a really good finish.  Started a cycling class in addition to my Pilates, at least until the weather gets better which may be August. Painfully spending an hour a day trying to clean the basement. I hate basements, spiders and the occasional mouse poop, Mickey better stay the fuck away from my basement, oh how I hate that. Still going to book club and still listening to audio books while I clean or run errands. Saw the musical Beautiful, AWESOME, of course that was when I was in my prime, back when I was a “Natural Woman” (did you know she wrote that! So cool.) Babysitting, dancing with little princesses and watching Disney Channel with the four of them ( I know the theme songs to too many of those damn shows)  That about sums it up.

That last paragraph, normal, just everyday mundane things. Normal. What a fabulous word.  I didn’t think I’d ever be just normal. From a lush to normal. How glorious to be living, just living everyday. No worries about 5 o’clock becoming 4:30, becoming 4 so I could start drinking.  Instead of my days being consumed with thinking about drinking and then drinking I’m now just living. It’s not the least bit boring, which is what a lot of people in early sobriety think.  It’s filled with all sorts of wonder. I notice everything now, the trees budding, my grandson figuring out how to walk, when someone needs a kind word, wondering when the moron down the street will shut his damn dog up. (I couldn’t go all nice on you, you’d think someone else was writing this, all Julie Andrews running through “the hills are alive” shit).  When I was in high school a very strange boy who sat in front of me in one class thought I looked just like Julie Andrews. Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah, and when I smile I mean it, not just going through the motion. I’m living.

I still use my sober toolbox. Listen to Belle’s One Minute Messages everyday.  I don’t want to let down my guard.  I’ve come too far.  So, even though life’s just normal I won’t forget how hard I worked to get here. 1000 days.

Bring on more treats, I’m worth it! I’m thinking two very expensive down pillows because crawling into bed should elicit the same ahhhhhh as having a massage at a spa. A pedicure, a new Fitbit ( because I want it to tell me how little sleep I get, like I don’t all ready know) the list goes on….

Doesn’t get any better than this.

We all need to sit and watch the world. It’s grand.

1000 days.  Fucking A!!! Now there’s a saying from the 70’s that has weathered  the test of time.  Just like me.

Groovy.😊 (Couldn’t resist)

Sharon

PS. Husband #1 is at 112 today. Wonder what he wants as a reward?😉

This Is So Hard

Hi All. I missed posting at 900 days, so here I am at 906, thank you very much. Already thinking about what reward I should ask for at 1000, gotta be something good.

Life is good, made it through the chaos of Christmas and the quiet of New Year’s, when you get to be my age life quiets down.  No parties, no nights out, we sort of cocoon, which is fine now.  When I was drinking it wasn’t so fine, it meant more time on the couch with wine.

Anyway, it’s about the title to my post. It’s probably influenced by the start of another year, the fucking frigid temps we’re experiencing right now (shouldn’t complain though, it hasn’t been a bad winter by Chicago standards), the grey skies, my grey hair (my decision, but…). I’ve been very contemplative lately. That’s a damn lie, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself. You see, this is a big birthday year for me. I’ll be sixty fucking five years old in September.  I know, I know, 9 months away and I’m dreading it already. I’ll be eligible for “senior” discounts, fuck that. It’s only a number. Right? Wrong. It’s reality, I might not look or act that old but I’m that old on the inside. Sucks, doesn’t it? Mished up had a great post recently that fit my mood perfectly.https://mishiam.wordpress.com. Don’t think I linked that right but you’ll find it.  Her post is very insightful and elegant.  I just want to bitch and moan.  My blog, my bitching. I developed a real potty month when I hit 60 and I won’t apologize for that, I like it, stress release. Still have to bite my tongue around the little ones but you’re all adults, sort of.

This might get a bit long and tedious and boring so if you want to leave now I won’t be offended.  That, too, is a damn lie. Need you all, I have since day 1 and that hasn’t changed.

Anyhoo, I don’t like this mortality shit.  David Bowie, 4 years older, Glenn Frey, 2 years. WTF. Granted they were ill and I’m healthy as a horse. (What the hell that means I’ll never know). I take NO medications, which I think is pretty damn good. Just vitamins, my BP is good, cholesterol is great, weight is good. But this age thingy is bothering my head.  Thank God I’m not drinking anymore.  If I was I would look and feel my age, my BP would be high, my cholesterol would read a false number because of what alcohol does. I’d probably be taking something for depression and I’d be drinking myself into deeper depression. Alcohol is EVIL. Anyone reading this now in your 50’s or 60’s STOP drinking now.  It will take you down so much faster than is necessary, just stop now. The outside and inside of you isn’t like it was when you were 40, no matter how you feel. Give it the fuck up now, not tomorrow or next Tuesday. Do something smart and good for yourself and stop now. Oh and if you’re younger, stop now so you make it to your 50’s or 60’s.

I’m done preaching. But one more thing, don’t tell me how lucky I am because my life is charmed.  I’ve been down the rabbit hole. Fought my way out. I feel like a little wallowing, it will end soon.

So since this is all about me, let’s get back to it.  It’s very hard to reconcile in your head that you’re going to be 65, Rod Stewart’s Forever Young is like an ear worm in my brain.  If my husband retires I could go on MEDICARE. Shit that’s for old people. It’s hard when your head thinks you’re 40 but you have arthritis in your back and a frozen shoulder.  I just push through, an Aleve every now and then and I’m good to go.  I’m active. Addicted to Pilates and my dogs and occasionally #1. He makes me feel young, I should throw more attention his way for that. Note to self.

I walk everywhere, even in this weather and I’ve become a mall walker with all the old people.  Good news is there’s a lot of stroller moms there pushing their babies around for exercise. I’ve even taken my grandchildren in strollers and walked there. ( Do you think I look good enough to be mistaken for their mom? Hell NO.) Not even in my skinny jeans, oh don’t be grossed out, I can wear them. I refuse to wear old baggy Mom jeans even if I do have a turkey neck. At least I don’t wear leggings without tunic tops, what’s with that. Women, no matter the age, should not wear leggings without a top that covers their ass. I digress.

All this to say this is a bitter pill to swallow.  Anyime the first digit rolls over is annoying, but this little 5 to the right of the 6 is a particularly tough one. I thought I felt mortal at 50, it was nothing like this. They’re dropping like flies around me and I don’t like it at all. I just started really really living again some 906 days ago. I’ve got a lot more to do in the next 30 or 40 years. So I best get started.

Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement…get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted.  Everything is phenomenal… Abraham Joshua Heschel

 

Me and my #1 (not very flattering of #1, stand up straight and suck in)

This one’s just for fun. See any resemblance.  That’s one of my babies and the little green guy is, well, know you do.

Just posting all this makes me feel better. Ciao.