This Is So Hard

Hi All. I missed posting at 900 days, so here I am at 906, thank you very much. Already thinking about what reward I should ask for at 1000, gotta be something good.

Life is good, made it through the chaos of Christmas and the quiet of New Year’s, when you get to be my age life quiets down.  No parties, no nights out, we sort of cocoon, which is fine now.  When I was drinking it wasn’t so fine, it meant more time on the couch with wine.

Anyway, it’s about the title to my post. It’s probably influenced by the start of another year, the fucking frigid temps we’re experiencing right now (shouldn’t complain though, it hasn’t been a bad winter by Chicago standards), the grey skies, my grey hair (my decision, but…). I’ve been very contemplative lately. That’s a damn lie, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself. You see, this is a big birthday year for me. I’ll be sixty fucking five years old in September.  I know, I know, 9 months away and I’m dreading it already. I’ll be eligible for “senior” discounts, fuck that. It’s only a number. Right? Wrong. It’s reality, I might not look or act that old but I’m that old on the inside. Sucks, doesn’t it? Mished up had a great post recently that fit my mood perfectly. Don’t think I linked that right but you’ll find it.  Her post is very insightful and elegant.  I just want to bitch and moan.  My blog, my bitching. I developed a real potty month when I hit 60 and I won’t apologize for that, I like it, stress release. Still have to bite my tongue around the little ones but you’re all adults, sort of.

This might get a bit long and tedious and boring so if you want to leave now I won’t be offended.  That, too, is a damn lie. Need you all, I have since day 1 and that hasn’t changed.

Anyhoo, I don’t like this mortality shit.  David Bowie, 4 years older, Glenn Frey, 2 years. WTF. Granted they were ill and I’m healthy as a horse. (What the hell that means I’ll never know). I take NO medications, which I think is pretty damn good. Just vitamins, my BP is good, cholesterol is great, weight is good. But this age thingy is bothering my head.  Thank God I’m not drinking anymore.  If I was I would look and feel my age, my BP would be high, my cholesterol would read a false number because of what alcohol does. I’d probably be taking something for depression and I’d be drinking myself into deeper depression. Alcohol is EVIL. Anyone reading this now in your 50’s or 60’s STOP drinking now.  It will take you down so much faster than is necessary, just stop now. The outside and inside of you isn’t like it was when you were 40, no matter how you feel. Give it the fuck up now, not tomorrow or next Tuesday. Do something smart and good for yourself and stop now. Oh and if you’re younger, stop now so you make it to your 50’s or 60’s.

I’m done preaching. But one more thing, don’t tell me how lucky I am because my life is charmed.  I’ve been down the rabbit hole. Fought my way out. I feel like a little wallowing, it will end soon.

So since this is all about me, let’s get back to it.  It’s very hard to reconcile in your head that you’re going to be 65, Rod Stewart’s Forever Young is like an ear worm in my brain.  If my husband retires I could go on MEDICARE. Shit that’s for old people. It’s hard when your head thinks you’re 40 but you have arthritis in your back and a frozen shoulder.  I just push through, an Aleve every now and then and I’m good to go.  I’m active. Addicted to Pilates and my dogs and occasionally #1. He makes me feel young, I should throw more attention his way for that. Note to self.

I walk everywhere, even in this weather and I’ve become a mall walker with all the old people.  Good news is there’s a lot of stroller moms there pushing their babies around for exercise. I’ve even taken my grandchildren in strollers and walked there. ( Do you think I look good enough to be mistaken for their mom? Hell NO.) Not even in my skinny jeans, oh don’t be grossed out, I can wear them. I refuse to wear old baggy Mom jeans even if I do have a turkey neck. At least I don’t wear leggings without tunic tops, what’s with that. Women, no matter the age, should not wear leggings without a top that covers their ass. I digress.

All this to say this is a bitter pill to swallow.  Anyime the first digit rolls over is annoying, but this little 5 to the right of the 6 is a particularly tough one. I thought I felt mortal at 50, it was nothing like this. They’re dropping like flies around me and I don’t like it at all. I just started really really living again some 906 days ago. I’ve got a lot more to do in the next 30 or 40 years. So I best get started.

Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement…get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted.  Everything is phenomenal… Abraham Joshua Heschel



Me and my #1 (not very flattering of #1, stand up straight and suck in)IMG_1289

This one’s just for fun. See any resemblance.  That’s one of my babies and the little green guy is, well, know you do.

Just posting all this makes me feel better. Ciao.

29 thoughts on “This Is So Hard

  1. OK so you’re gonna get some nursing wisdom. We don’t consider anyone old until they pushing 80-85 so you got a long way to go yet sister! I know it doesn’t make it suck any less but if you called our service we’d tell you to f*ck off as you’re not old enough to get us come visit you at home yet 😉

  2. Doubt this will go thru. But am unable to comment on the blog since…no facebook, no google mail.

    Have read your entries from tome to time. Commend you on your mighty (sober) achievement. And certainly ‘hear’ your feelings about age. Same for me, tho i”m several tears ahead of you. (Years!! That was supposed to be ‘years’…tho the t word works too, i guess.)

    Anyway, this will prob never reach you. In case it does…good on ya and hang in there.

    rj….a former chicagoan (and current dry january participant)

    Sent from my iPad


  3. From what I see in the photo I would have believed you to be 55 as well. 🙂 And yes, I get that it is difficult. I turned 46 and having trouble there (already?).
    Funny that you mention Rod Stewart’s Forever Young, that was a song which send me spinning. One of the many nights in 1988 at which I was absolutely out of it drunk-drunk, I cried and cried and cried and to my parents, who found me, dunno where, I told that I wanted to be ‘forever young’. I was 18. :-/ Obviously there was something in me already which did not want to take life on life’s terms. 😦
    Hahaha, oh no! I can be so stupid. I am reading this Puer Aeternus book and I was thinking ‘the answer to this might be in there, not sure why though..’. (Puer Aeternus means eternal youth and it describes a Jungian theory on people who want to be young forever as I somehow think I should. It describes what the Peter Pan complex looks like in real life. :-D) “Not sure why it would be in the book….” Ghegheghe…. denial comes in many shapes and forms. 😀
    Wishing you well. I hope I get to be your age and look as radiant as you do. 🙂
    xx, Feeling

  4. that’s a fantastic quote, thanks for that and a hurrah for 900! thought of you when I hit my 800 but couldn’t drum up a mojito as all mint in the garden has frozen down for the winter. in a few months maybe there will be some spring sprigs in time for your 1000?

    getting older is better than not getting older at all, I suppose. ranting good at whatever age we find ourselves. there used to be a newspaper column in the UK written under the byline ‘1660’ from a woman who looked like 16 from behind and 60 from in front….are you sure that wasn’t you?! love to you! Prim xx

  5. Hi Sharon,
    What an awesome post. I just turned 63 this month and I’m doing all of this looking back stuff and feeling bad about past mistakes and choices and even kicking myself about being a bad mother (I don’t think I was really when I get right down to it). I was 20 when she was born. I was married. That was just wrong. But now it is so much fun only being 20 years apart. We GET each other.
    David Bowie and Glen Frey really got to me, too. At least they got to live longer than Jim Morrison.
    And I don’t get the legging thing either. Butt ugly.
    The last time we “spoke”, I was whining about not being able to stay off the beer but now I’m at 7 days and it feels like never going back to it. 906 days is incredible. I can only imagine.
    Your friend across the pond (Michigan)

  6. Congratulations on 906!! YOU have been my inspiration to get sober – I want you to know how much you mean to us “older ladies”, though they do say 85 is the new 65 these days – so no worries – you look marvelous darling!! Discovering your blog was a ray of sunshine for me…to know I wasn’t the only one from the 60’s struggling with this shite. I’m a few years behind you – in age and sobriety – but because of you I have had many sober months and am currently working on 2016 as my first sober year. Stay warm in Chicago – I’m heading there this weekend so please, please keep that cold weather at bay. Big Hugs.

    • You, my dear, just made my day, no make that my whole fucking year. Thank you so much. You picked a good weekend to arrive, balmy for Saturday and Sunday, in the high 30’s. Glad to hear 2016 will be your year. Want to talk just email me. Thanks again.

  7. First off – you look fucking AMAZING so don’t worry about the looks thing. You’ve got it by the balls.

    I feel ya on this once since I’ll be 55 this year. I only feel 35 but damn if I don’t have to fight off the aches and pains to tell myself that. I do it but my body protests. Screw you body. Fuck you AARP. I’ll be 35 forever!

    And you’ll be 40 forever. And if you aren’t…you’ll still look it!


  8. I forget if you’re on Facebook, but there’s a closed group called going gorgeously gray that I highly recommend. Not that you’re not nailing that as we speak. I hear you on age confusion and I think that’s a very good thing. I always hope to feel some dissociation when I think how old I really am. Age is relative. Love the pics in this Sharon. You’re all adorable.

    • I get on Facebook rarely, just to see how kids have grown. I’ll check out that group, thanks. And you’re right, the dissociation is a good thing. I’m going to remember that.

  9. Hi, I love your posts so much , I`ll be 60 in october and I had so many first days and relapses I can`t count them …..But now I got new hope, that I will succeed, that everthing will turn better. and so I have one question,: have you ever joined AA or something like that? have you ever got professional help or did you do it all by yourself? I am so sorry for my very poor active english , my passive is a lot better
    Love and thank you so much

    • Hi Conny and welcome, it’s a hard journey but so worth it. To answer your questions, no I did not use AA or professional help but I didn’t do it on my own. Belle from Tired of Thinking about Drinking and Jean from Unpickled helped me stay on track. I still correspond with Belle. Lotta at Mrs.D also reached out. I’ve relied on lots of fellow bloggers and spent several hours reading sober blogs when I first started out. I had support from my husband also. You know what’s best for you and if you need AA or therapy I say go for it. Stay here with us, get your life back, it’s awesome.

      • Hi Conny, Yes I’m fine and sober some 1220 days my phone tells me. I haven’t had much to say but I’ve been feeling a blog post coming on. Don’t cancel all your efforts. Get that fighting spirit back I think sober is the only way, moderation is too damn hard and just leads you back to regrets and shame. Email me. Sharon

  10. You look wonderfully young.
    I agree with the leggings and tops. Unless I’m at yoga, the butt is covered. Or I wear real pants.

    Congrats on 900 plus days. Every day is a reason to celebrate!


  11. Getting old does suck. I am just coming to terms with the fact that my body doesn’t work the way it used to. It’s aging and there’s nothing I can do about that. I can ameliorate the symptoms but I can’t prevent the aging. I find myself looking back at my cavalier self and wondering why nobody ever strapped me down and forced me to listen to the ravages of age. The dry skin, the farting (yeah, I said it – don’t act all shocked and surprised), the creaky joints, the turkey neck. God help me, my mother was very very sensitive about her neck and wouldn’t go anywhere without a scarf. I actually said to her – why go to the trouble of covering it up. People can see you’re old. There’s no redemptive backtracking from that remark and I made it when she was at least 5 years old than I am now. My Karma is to now have the largest collection of shawls, scarves, pashmina’s west of the Mississippi. My advice. Watch Frankie & Grace, if you haven’t already done so and see how we all should age (minus the vats of wine Jane Fonda swims in, of course).

  12. I just discovered your blog; thanks for your comments on mine. Yes, we are all getting older by the day. As my parents (in their 80’s) say, it’s better than the alternative.

    So yes, you may be getting older. But you are funny, and sassy, and thoughtful, and I love your attitude and the way you write. And you are quite an inspirational to folks like me, still struggling to put more than a couple sober weeks together.

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