Tomorrow I am sober 200 days. Simply frickin amazeballs (ode to Mrs. D). I can’t quite believe it myself.
Some adult language ahead. Like you don’t use it.
The first 100 days were slow moving, the horrible start, the why am I doing this first week, the woo fucking hoo after 30 days and OH those glorious pink clouds. With Belle’s help and reading all your blogs I made it through. After about 60 days I knew, I truly knew I would make it. I got MAD. Who did this wolf, this voice in my head think he was? What the hell was he doing in my head, it’s MY head. It’s My life, I wanted it back so badly I was going to defeat that MFer.(Just can’t bring myself to type it, but I’m thinking it.) I was thinking it on my journey. Getting pissed really helped me continue. I would silence that voice, I would slay that beast. I didn’t get my old life back, I got a new life with a new old me. Free. I’m free of the voice. I no longer need a drink to be happy, sad, mad, glad. Once I stopped romanticizing the wine, seeing it for what it really was, is, a toxin, a poison that takes years to get out of the blood, the liver and it never really leaves the brain of a problem drinker. I look at my husband’s glass of wine and I feel sorry that he can’t see it for what it really is… yet. It no longer tempts me. It repulses me.
The second 100 days have flown by, seriously. In a blink I went from 100 to 180 to 200. I’m really looking forward to 365. I need to start thinking about a treat, a really extravagant treat cause I’m worth it. The app on my phone says I’ve saved $2995.84. I know I can’t possibly spend that much. Husband #1 would kill me. But it has to be something grand. It is now ALL ABOUT ME. I’m 62 and it’s about fucking time that it’s all about me. I still worry about my kids and my grandchildren and I help as much as I can but it’s my turn now. I gave 20 plus years to the wolf. The next 20 plus are mine!
I’ll make it to 365 because I will not let some unhealthy, vile beast with drool dripping fangs take over again. That’s what the voice in my head looked like, when I give it this identity I can fight better. He ruled my house, my body and my brain for too many miserable, shame filled years. As I’ve said before, I can’t bear the thought of starting over, I’m not sure I could. So to be safe I’ll stay the course.
The wolf that was in my head can just my kiss ass and move out. There’s a new Queen in the castle.