Want

All the talk about Phillip Seymour Hoffman has had me pondering what makes us (those of us addicted to some substance) want. Want what we know we can not have. Want even though we know it will cause us harm or hurt our loved ones. His may be an extreme case of hopelessness and heroin is not wine but it’s an addiction all the same. But even if we mess up there’s hope. That’s one thing I’m absofuckinglutely sure of,  there is always hope. I felt really bad about his death.  I’m not sure where this is going but I always feel bad when a fellow blogger relapses, like he or she is a personal friend. Well they are. I hate when they just fade away, kind of like a death in the family. I also feel such a sense of disappointment.  Why oh why?

I have to remember that I have it pretty damn good, nice husband, nice house, good kids, wonderful grandchildren.  Lots of people struggle more than I do.  Sure I had a shitty childhood, alcoholic mother with major mental issues, traveling salesman father… But I turned out OK, except for that alcohol gene that I was never going to act on.  Oops, slipped up a little on that one, but I’ve fixed it. I. Finally. Fixed. It. 

I got a bit itchy yesterday during the Super Bowl, I didn’t really want a drink, but felt the itch. Told Husband #1 to get that damn glass of wine out of my sight.  Scared him, he doesn’t want the old Sharon back so he hustled it away.  Hated the nagging feeling but I’d be damned if I let it win. Life is so precious and so fucking short why would I spend the rest of mine in a bottle. It might take years to get back on track, precious time that goes by so quickly. I like rising every morning with a clear head and conscience.  I love that I laugh and dance and sing (not well at all) so much more now. Nobody, but nobody is going to take that from me now. The Nobody would be me, I did this, I fixed it, I have to keep it fixed. Besides the thought of starting over scares the shit out of me. I know you should never say never.  But, I never want to want another drop of alcohol. It’s a want not a need. I know I don’t need a drop of alcohol. Our bodies are our temples, I sure abused mine for a lot of years. I want what I have now. Relapse, erasing that from my vocabulary. Replacing it with recovery.

On a more upbeat note. I’m so tired of not being able to get out to walk because of the snow that I went with a friend to the mall early this morning to walk. Holy Shit, we were the YOUNGEST ones there! Just sayin’.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Want

  1. Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death rattled me. 46 years old. So sad.

    I’m with you on the thought of starting over scaring the shit out of me. Not worth it. Not. One. Bit. Getting my life back is wonderful and I’m not going to fuck it up to wake up with a freight train running through my head ever again.

    Joyce

  2. what rattled me most about PSH was the fact he’d been sober for sooooo long and then relapsed. Scary shit. But the dude must really have wanted death-by-heroin.. sounds like he was on a major miserable binge. So very very sad.. and for his kids… Hope you are well xxxx

  3. clear head and clear conscience – yes, unbeatable! and the one reinforces the other so we get stronger physically and emotionally and we can deal with this terribly addictive drug that is so prevalent in our society.

    I was re-listening to one of Belle’s podcasts yesterday about reframing and something she said struck me anew, which is that we can reframe our ‘I have an addiction to alcohol’ as ‘my biggest problem is one which the solving of is completely under my control’ and how many people have problems and illnesses where that is SO not the case. I think that is why AA would not have suited me as I cannot believe I am powerless over alcohol. I can choose not to have the first drink. THAT is why there IS always hope!

    I hope you were dancing AND singing in the aisles of that mall! xx

  4. Me too Sharon. When a fellow blogger goes quiet, my heart sinks. I fear drink now as much as I feared a life without drink in the past. Don’t want to go back there either and that’s what keeps me moving forward.

  5. Hi Sharon. Been following your blog for a while now, and I wonder if you would be kind enough to have a quick look at mine. I don’t wish to appear forward, butt we have spoken in the past. Look forward to seeing you again

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s