All the talk about Phillip Seymour Hoffman has had me pondering what makes us (those of us addicted to some substance) want. Want what we know we can not have. Want even though we know it will cause us harm or hurt our loved ones. His may be an extreme case of hopelessness and heroin is not wine but it’s an addiction all the same. But even if we mess up there’s hope. That’s one thing I’m absofuckinglutely sure of, there is always hope. I felt really bad about his death. I’m not sure where this is going but I always feel bad when a fellow blogger relapses, like he or she is a personal friend. Well they are. I hate when they just fade away, kind of like a death in the family. I also feel such a sense of disappointment. Why oh why?
I have to remember that I have it pretty damn good, nice husband, nice house, good kids, wonderful grandchildren. Lots of people struggle more than I do. Sure I had a shitty childhood, alcoholic mother with major mental issues, traveling salesman father… But I turned out OK, except for that alcohol gene that I was never going to act on. Oops, slipped up a little on that one, but I’ve fixed it. I. Finally. Fixed. It.
I got a bit itchy yesterday during the Super Bowl, I didn’t really want a drink, but felt the itch. Told Husband #1 to get that damn glass of wine out of my sight. Scared him, he doesn’t want the old Sharon back so he hustled it away. Hated the nagging feeling but I’d be damned if I let it win. Life is so precious and so fucking short why would I spend the rest of mine in a bottle. It might take years to get back on track, precious time that goes by so quickly. I like rising every morning with a clear head and conscience. I love that I laugh and dance and sing (not well at all) so much more now. Nobody, but nobody is going to take that from me now. The Nobody would be me, I did this, I fixed it, I have to keep it fixed. Besides the thought of starting over scares the shit out of me. I know you should never say never. But, I never want to want another drop of alcohol. It’s a want not a need. I know I don’t need a drop of alcohol. Our bodies are our temples, I sure abused mine for a lot of years. I want what I have now. Relapse, erasing that from my vocabulary. Replacing it with recovery.
On a more upbeat note. I’m so tired of not being able to get out to walk because of the snow that I went with a friend to the mall early this morning to walk. Holy Shit, we were the YOUNGEST ones there! Just sayin’.