Caves

The night of my 180 days, my husband turned to me with tears in his eyes and said how proud he was of me, how much he loved me. He said he was so afraid he’d lost me in a cave and that I’d never get out. If he asked me to slow down I just got mad. He said he hated watching what was happening but was too much in love with me to know what to do. After 35 years of marriage. Whew!! Heavy shit.

I knew I could be like Jekyll and Hyde.  After one or two glasses I would smile and joke.  After three or four I would rant, say mean and awful things, things I never remembered saying. After one or more bottles it’s anybody’s guess.  Shamefully I do remember slapping him once. It fills me with shame to even type that. Alcohol truly is poison.  It gets in the blood, in our brain and Fucks  Us  Up. It turns us into monsters, ugly little Gollums. Hoarding our precious damn wine instead of our precious loved ones.

I never realized he thought he’d lost me, not my physical presence but Me. He was right I was in a cave. A dark damp cave I’d crawled into. Everything I said, all that I did, he forgave me over and over and over again.

If you follow my blog you know Husband #1 drinks, sometimes too much. But never like I did. We’ve reached a compromise lately. I’m ok if he has only two glasses of wine before dinner, it used to be more, and he’s trying it out. So far it’s working for both of us. Fingers crossed.

Amy over at Sober-bia.blogspot.com has a great post about the effects of our drinking on our spouses. Check it out.

As for me I’m out of that cave and into the light. No more rants, unless I’m pissed and I remember what I’m pissed about and who I’m pissed at and that’s OK. No more poison, unless you count the Salted Caramel Mochas at Starbucks. OMG I’m hooked. I’d like to say I’m into the sunshine but it’s something like 20 below zero outside, so even if the sun shines I’m not going out. Frickin, freakin, f…ing Chicago winters. I. Hate. Winter.

Oh and Husband #1 has earned some big rewards for those soul bearing confessions! Just sayin’.

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8 thoughts on “Caves

  1. Sharon. I love this post and really impressed with hubs true confession. We are 34 years together and I believe our marriage has never been stronger now that I’m sober. I’m going to try that salted mocha thing today. Hugs. Trish

  2. It’s funny. After I read Amy’s post yesterday I went home and apologized to my husband. I don’t think I have ever done that before. He was a little shocked and then he started talking (which is a very big deal). He basically said the same thing your husband did…that he was scared, that he felt helpless and that all he wanted to do was help.

    And for once I just shut the fuck up and listened. No matter how bad it hurt to hear it.

    Sherry

  3. Salted caramel Mocha – yummo! Will have to see if they stock them down in little old New Zealand. What a lovely man your husband sounds like.. how fabulous it is that you got sober. Just saying. xxx

  4. It is always nice when husbands fully engage, isn’t it? Of course, my husband could say the same about wives. I spent many a night swimming in a bottle of chardonnay, completely unavailable. Ours was a mutual detente: I didn’t bitch too much about his workaholic tendencies, and he didn’t confront me about my alcoholic tendencies. I am hopeful that your current agreement continues to work and your compromise becomes a permanent happy medium!

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